PAGE 3 A BIOGRAPHY OF ME

My son suggested that I write an autobiography. I will try to get things straight and be faithful to what happened. Hillbilly Elegy will have nothing on me. I wonder who will play me in the movie.

It was a hot and humid night in Panama City, Florida. My mother was in the delivery room, calling my dad names. She could swear like a sailor. She was a sailor. She served in the Navy. My father was in the waiting room, chain-smoking unfiltered Camels. I was taking my time. Even then, I was in no hurry; at 10:13 P.M. I debuted. I was swatted on the rear (they did that back then). I let out a yell and made my first bowel movement.

I was the apple of my mother's eye. I don't think my dad knew what to do with a little shit machine, who cried all night long and slept all day. I'm not sure I realized that Panama City was Spring Break Central. Hey girls show me your ...., now I was a baby and quite a fan of breasts. Alas, mom kept me off the beaches. Sand in the diaper was never a good thing.

Speaking of diapers, the diapers of the day could have been a servable table cloth, I weighed less than six pounds. My diapers were such that my father had never seen me until my one-month check-up. By then we were in Texas. I think dad was trying to get into the oil drilling business as a truck driver.

A word here about my dad: he was not a fan of any race other than white. While he was in Florida, he drove a deuce and a half. This was in a primarily black m.o.s. His brother had served as Patton's jeep driver in North Africa. Dad was stuck stateside in a black platoon.

I look at this as my dad was on the leading edge of integrating the armed forces.

Mom saw a couple of tornadoes before Dad got his first paycheck. We picked up and moved to Oklahoma. More oil fields, I believe. I think Dad thought now about getting an education and being something other than a worker. He did love big machines. He had what I called an architect's kit: compass, scaled ruler, styluses. I had the three-sided ruler until I had to put it away, because kids were hitting each other with it.

Oklahoma in the path of Tornado Alley. Mom rose up to her full five-foot frame and told Dad that she was moving home, in this case, to Washington. He could come with her if he wished, but she was getting out of the way of tornadoes

By this time, I was less than 100 days old. My skill set was waving my feet and hands, I am fairly certain that I could roll over by then

. I was. a natural at suckling.

Stay tuned,